I feel like bit by bit I am losing pieces of me.
I know I have changed and I’d like to say for the better. But my new surroundings and the people around me (and those also NOT around me) did leave an impact I feel.
I felt like going Greek would have significantly helped me; however, due to how political and subjective it is. I did not join. Maybe next year?
I have met some great people at Iowa. And the typical douchebags. However, I feel like I did not try as hard as I should have with making good friends. I sure know a lot of people/have met a lot of people. But with most of them there wasn’t that ‘click’. Nonetheless, I ‘networked’. Typical business major move.
In the fall I was stressed out in trying to manage that along with work, school, having a long distance relationship and doing AFROTC. We obviously can see now that the last two did not work out. The fatigue of getting up so early and staying up late did get to me pretty quickly. And the stress of being in a long distance relationship was more powerful than I thought. I definitely did avoid meeting guys for a long time. But eventually I did, and the men of Beta and Fiji are great. And I am glad that my friendship with one of the Fijis boys (my initial Fiji friend) turned into something more. Then the effects of not having a boyfriends were ALSO more impactful than I thought it would be. I tried casually dating. But it ended up with me dating two guys. Leading one on and getting hurt by the other in the end. (He messed with my feelings. Friend zoned me. Decided to go on a date with me. Then. FB msged me saying that he was getting back with his ex because he still loved her. THE FUCK).
Slowly but surely I am starting to settle down and find my roots at Iowa.
Seriously. Iowa is like a TOTALLY different culture.
I definitely tried to experiment to see who I could possibly be. However, that has left me with more uncertainly and mishap. It’s like I am stuck between two doors? is that how the saying goes? It has even impacted how I shop. I have come to a conclusion that I do not like to shop. I dont know what I want my style to be, what looks good with my body type, and WHERE to shop now. Again. Stuck in between two doors on that again. And can I mention. It is so hard to find something that I can wear tights with in the winter that is not outwhoreishly short. And I dont know how to dress cute but casual anymore. Especially since a couple key items of mine (cute top, cardi) have gone MIA (hopefully I will find them when I go back to Iowa).
Alex, aka beau of the mo[ment], definitely pointed out that at Iowa (NOT TONKA) that I am friends with people “less attractive than me” and he reasoned that it was to make myself look better. I realized that ‘pretty’ girls actually intimidate me. I feel like I am under a microscope when I am around them and that I am immediately judged by them and would never have a chance in being friends with them. I just dont know how to approach people and actually befriend them. I’ve had some marvelous conversations. Along with some awkward moments of silence with people (where neither of us talks). Back to what Alex said, I do not intentionally do that.
The thing is is that I befriend people based on their personality over looks. Okay. Truth, they must be somewhat decent and normal looking. But the thing is, my two good friends from my floor (and future roomies!) are a bit bigger. However, they know how to dress and look amazing. My roomie aka Klem Klem is a bit weird. But that’s what I love about her. We can be weird in our room together at 2 in the morning and not be judged. The thing is that I dont care what others think about my friends. The only thing is that I’m in a rut in meeting new people.
Hopefully next semester I can find my passion and meet people who will be part of my life for more than a conversation.